Reflaction: Listening to our needs
In our newest podcast episode we discuss three key gender socialization issues we believe really rig the self-care game against women: seeing ourselves as 'human givers', pressure to fit into male-dominated productivity systems, and not feeling permission to have passions.
If you haven’t listened to the podcast yet, 'human givers' is a term coined by authors Emily and Amelia Nagoski to refer to the socialization that leads us as women to see our worth in terms of being pretty, happy, calm, generous, and constantly putting others’ needs ahead of our own.
As we do in each episode, we finish up the podcast by offering some practical self-care experiments related to these concepts. Of course, self-care experiments can be intentionally created like the ones we suggest in the podcast, but they can also be thrust upon us. Although the latter rarely feel good or pleasant in the moment, they too can offer us gems of knowledge that can go a long way towards our self-care.
Life kindly reminded me of that over the past several weeks. And in true form, the experiment that was thrust upon me wasn’t pleasant and yet it provided me with some helpful data related to women being socialized as 'human givers'.
It was mid-November when my immune system decided to malfunction. And as is typically the case in situations like this, it chose a particularly inopportune time to do so. It apparently didn’t care that I had already been away from the office for almost 2 weeks to attend a conference, or that I had several assessments lined up with looming deadlines, or that clients were relying on me to honor my commitments, or that Christmas was coming.
My first clue came in mid-November when I developed laryngitis, something I had never had before. So, although it was inconvenient, I rescheduled my clients for the following week, assuming I would surely be fine by then. And then came my second clue, I wasn’t fine and needed to re-schedule my clients yet again.
New clues kept arriving on a weekly schedule. They went from lingering laryngitis to one infection after another. A few 'good' days sprinkled in the mix of things was just enough to keep me optimistic about a speedy recovery, only to be disappointed when yet another clue showed up to suggest my immune system wasn’t quite ready to protect me.
My immune system malfunction persisted until a few days after the start of 2025 when it finally kicked back in and enabled me to return to my normal activities (more or less). All in all my immune system malfunction caused me to miss about 4 weeks of work (in addition to the almost 2 weeks I was away at a conference), miss assessment deadlines, and undoubtedly left clients feeling disappointed by the delay in their appointments. It also meant postponing family gatherings and, in some cases, simply canceling activities and events.
It was incredibly unpleasant and yet somehow everyone (myself, my family, clients, referral sources) muddled through it without any significant consequences. Of course, my extended absence from work created some inevitable feelings of guilt as I knew clients were depending on me to meet my deadlines. Despite my clients likely feeling disappointed or frustrated with my absence they were incredibly understanding. Hmmmm...
So, what does this have to do with self-care experiments and “human giver” syndrome?
Well, it served as a great reminder that I am able to put my own needs first and step away from work without triggering a series of catastrophic events (which is what our brains try to tell us). And that’s the case even when a sudden unpredictable event triggers my need to prioritize my own needs.
This data is going to come in handy the next time I’m feeling I could use some time off and my brain tries to convince me that others’ needs are always more important than my own and that catastrophic events will be triggered if I take some time to myself. And we all know how important taking time off is to our self-care.
Where will your reflactions take you?