Self-care is NOT selfish & is NOT just about treating ourselves

In this week's podcast episode we challenge another dated and incredibly unhelpful belief in which self-care is equated with “treating” ourselves and with “selfishness.”

Unfortunately, the first part of this unhelpful belief comes from the more commodified and superficial messages women have received about self-care, that emphasize things like bubble baths, manicures, pedicures, facials, etc. Of course, that’s not to say that “treating” ourselves with these types of things can’t be part of our self-care.

But— we’re kidding ourselves if we buy into the belief that “treating” is all there is to self-care. (More about that in our next podcast episode where we upgrade the unhelpful belief that self-care should always feel good.) So, for now I’ll leave it at that and focus more so on the “selfishness” part of this unhelpful belief.

Although many women wouldn’t necessarily use the word “selfish” to describe how they feel when they choose to prioritize their own self-care and needs over those of others, it is undoubtedly at the heart of the guilt or “bad” feelings that so many women do acknowledge experiencing in these situations.

For those of you who are familiar with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), you might remember a concept referred to as “unfounded guilt” and the importance of differentiating this from “justified guilt.” Essentially “unfounded guilt” shows up in situations where we really haven’t done anything “wrong” or, more broadly, where the emotion doesn’t match the facts.

Following from this, DBT recommends exploring what’s feeding into the unfounded guilt and engaging in “opposite action” to diminish the intensity of unfounded guilt. Personally, I love this concept and approach and believe it is incredibly applicable to women’s self-care.

I recently looked up the online definition of “selfish” to better assess whether the guilt that so many of us experience in response to self-care truly matches the facts. And to be honest, it was an incredibly helpful exercise. According to Merriam-Webster, “selfish” is defined as being:

“concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.”

Okay, now let that sink in. I mean really sink in. Read it a second time!

I can confidently say that I am not selfish, even when I am regularly incorporating self-care into my week. I also can’t think of any colleagues who would fit that description.

So, if judging ourselves as “selfish” is at the heart of our self-care related guilt, I’m hoping we can agree that this label and the related guilt are both unfounded. And that we can also recognize this judgement and emotion are completely understandable given our wiring and our socialization as women and mental health professionals.

So, the next time you notice guilt showing up and threatening to sabotage your self-care efforts - we encourage you to just pause.

Take a moment to acknowledge the guilt and notice how it shows up in your body.

Remind yourself of the definition of “selfish”.

Consider leaning into the discomfort of the unfounded guilt by engaging in “opposite action” (In this case that means engaging in self-care despite the guilt!)

And if it helps, consider replacing the thought “I feel guilty” with the thought “I’m choosing to (insert self-care act) because (insert your own personal reason).” For example, “I’m choosing to take a lunch break because that will help me be more efficient and effective in the afternoon.”

Ultimately, our inner dialogue can be a powerful tool in supporting or sabotaging our self-care.

Where will your reflactions take you?