Permission to transcend our roles

With Mother’s Day quickly approaching I’ve been finding myself reflecting a great deal about my mother, who passed away in July 2021, at the age of 92 years.

In particular I’ve been thinking about all the sacrifices she made in her lifetime and how different life was for women when she was born. Her grandparents emigrated from Russia to avoid religious persecution and they settled in Southern Manitoba where they farmed and raised a family.

Mom was born in 1930 and was raised on the family farm with her six siblings. She always spoke fondly of her life on the farm but it was definitely not an easy one as work seemed to dominate much of her life from a young age (whether she was working on the family farm or finding work elsewhere to help out the family). Education (especially for girls) wasn’t particularly important and I suspect my mom was in many ways lucky that she was able to complete grade 8. She married “late in life” (late 20’s was considered late at that time) and her and dad had three children (I’m the youngest).

Although she encouraged her children’s leisurely pursuits, she somehow struggled to extend that same permission and encouragement to herself. From as far back as I can remember, my mom fully embraced the mantra “work before play.” The problem with that, however, was there never appeared to be an end to the “work.” Whether it was canning, sewing, preparing meals, cleaning, or working outside the home for some extra money, she was always moving, making sure she was doing everything possible to care for her family and give them a good life and opportunities she didn’t have.

Mission accomplished mom. Her scrimping and saving provided me with the opportunity to go to university and her role modelling helped me adopt a work ethic that enabled me to complete my doctoral degree. Thank you so much mom.

Unfortunately, along the way I think mom lost a part of herself.

Cleaning out the family home brought me face to face with another side of my mom. Her diaries painted a picture of a teenager and young woman who, yes worked hard, but also made space in her life for fun and socializing with friends; something that I can only guess faded away over the years. Perhaps, like for so many women, the societal messages and narratives associated with being a wife and mother just gradually took over, leaving little room for that younger version of herself.

But I also uncovered a closet full of craft supplies and projects at varying degrees of completion. Signs that, at least at some point, my mom tried giving herself permission to pursue activities that were just for her. I started remembering some of the handmade gifts she had given to me as an adult and suddenly felt connected to a part of my mom that seemed so very precious. That part of her that wasn’t tied into her role as a wife and mother, but something that was just for her.

Since that time, I’ve found myself having a newfound appreciation for the homemade gifts from mom. I continue to appreciate the thoughtfulness and skill that went into creating the gifts but now they also offer me a special connection to my mom and a symbol of permission—permission to connect with that part of myself that transcends my role as a wife, stepmother, caregiver to my elderly dad, and psychologist. Thank you so much mom.

What are some of the important ways you connect with the part of you that transcends the societal messages and narratives that are associated with your roles as a daughter, mother, wife, therapist, etc.?