Reflaction: Shifting our evolutionary wiring

In this week's podcast episode we talk about the four ways our evolutionary wiring can make self-care challenging: conservation of energy, acceptance of the tribe and the role of guilt, scarcity of resources, and living for today. Although each of these can derail our self-care, I wanted to spend a bit more time on our need to be accepted by the tribe as this can show up in so many ways.

As discussed in the episode, this can show up as guilt when we decide to prioritize ourselves over others but I’ve also seen it sneaking into the lives of therapists (myself included) in other ways. For example, by convincing us that holding unrelenting standards and striving for perfectionism are surefire ways to ensure acceptance of our tribe and, hence, our survival.

And of course, when we inevitably fail to meet those standards, our wiring is ready to kick back in again and flood us with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Interpreting this as a life and death situation our wiring triggers harsh self-criticism, self-doubt, and anxiety. Except that it rarely or never is. But boy our wiring sure can be convincing!

At work this can show up when we don’t feel helpful in a session, or when we forget to return a phone message, or when we make an error on an invoice, or we double book ourselves and two clients show up for the same appointment, and the list goes on and on. Because the reality is, we’re human and humans are perfectly imperfect. Even female mental health therapists.

Fortunately, over the years I’ve found an incredibly powerful, yet simple antidote to this aspect of our evolutionary wiring; the word AND.

Drawing from the self-compassion literature and practices (more on that when we discuss our self-compassion pillar of self-care) and concepts from dialectical behaviour therapy (that two seemingly inconsistent statements can both be true), I’ve found that using a small word like “and” can be incredibly powerful.

It goes something like this:

“I wasn’t sure how to respond in that particular session and I’m a good therapist”

or:

“I’m a competent therapist and sometimes I make mistakes.”

For me personally, this particular use of the word “and” prevents the harsh self-criticism and anxiety and makes room for more helpful self-reflection that, in turn, leads to a more helpful action than rumination (which is often what can happen if we leave our evolutionary wiring unchecked).

So, the next time you notice that evolutionary wiring kicking in when your imperfections show up, see if you can counteract it with a simple “and.”

Where will your reflactions take you?